Well, it's been a long time since I've posted anything. Better late than never though, right?

Breaks of any sort, though a welcome respite, are often times of extreme torture for my overly analytical brain. When I'm not going 100 mph everyday, I think entirely too much for my own good. If some of you haven't discovered this already, my whole mindset is wrapped around the concept of purpose. Therefore, I struggle with things people accept as ordinary happenings and the comings and goings of everyday life. For me, if something doesn't have an eternal purpose, I can't see the use in it. Perhaps this is why I sit in the student section at OU football games absolutely perplexed as to why people get so wrapped up in a game that, in my eyes, has little to no eternal bearing. Don't get me wrong, I certainly enjoy sports, I just don't understand why people's lives revolve around them at times! Or, shopping. I very much enjoy fashion, but, really, when it comes down to it, we're not taking our knowledge of celebrity trends or our closets to Heaven.

There have been several times in my life that I do understand. Understood so clearly that I couldn't get why anything else could possibly matter. Before my senior year in high school, I went on a missions trip to Belize with my youth group. One of our outreaches was to a tiny village called More Tomorrow, located in the jungle. The people were living in extremely poor circumstances, yet each of the children had on a uniform. The government there is terribly slow in providing them with supplies, so my church was the only way they'd get new school supplies each year. We got to play soccer with the kids, read books to them, help them make salvation bracelets and serve them hot dogs and lemonade with ice for lunch. And I knew, sitting with one little girl on my lap and another looking over my shoulder as I read them a book, that THIS was what purpose meant. I felt fully alive. That must be what Heaven feels like: to be totally captivated by and caught up in what you're doing to the point that your heart could just burst from the sheer joy of it. I didn't want to leave. And yet, in the midst of all of it, I had to remember: this isn't about me.

That's the great thing about purpose. It's never just about yourself. It has everything to do with the Kingdom, with God's plan, with serving others. It's not an easy thing to find, and it requires stretching of one's comfort zone, but I'd rather live my life in and on purpose than any other way.

excerpt

"Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps. . . perhaps. . .love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath."

- from the book Anne of Avonlea

spring

My heart feels like it's about to burst and I can't contain the smile inside of me this time of year- spring creeps up on me suddenly, and what a wonderful surprise it always is! It's in times like these that I feel closest to Heaven and feel with certainty that I belong to another world.

Today, I got to enjoy a glorious aerobic walk around my neighborhood, complete with soundtrack via my iPod. Near the end of my walk, I stopped by the park. There's a lovely gazebo there, and this time of year it is surrounded by bright yellow forsythia bushes. I stopped to pray, glorying in my Celtic music and the beauty of God's creation. And He gave me a special gift as I was getting up to leave: a red-tailed hawk sat perched on a small tree, looking at me, totally unafraid. He flew away to catch something to eat as I walked closer, but then he came back and perched in a taller tree, and we watched each other for a while before he flew away again. I've never been that close to a hawk, and I especially noticed the sharpness and depth of its eyes. I don't know what the Lord was trying to tell me, but it was a precious moment, nonetheless.

During my quiet time earlier in the day, I read in my devotional book about choosing a verse that you felt expressed your life's purpose. One of my mentors, Ann, recently mentioned that I always seem to have hope, no matter what the circumstance. Now I know for certain that my hope doesn't come from me- it's just there, just like how my fingers just move when I play the piano. Obviously, it's from the Lord. (And I guess I must be in the right sorority, since our symbol is an anchor, which stands for hope!!) So, I looked for a verse with hope in it. And here is my life verse (or one of them):

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord's people who are in need. Practice hospitality."
-Romans 12:12& 13

I've asked the Lord to help me strive toward each one of those things everyday. I've gotten to the point in my life and in my walk with the Lord that I've begun to see that nothing else- the world and society, my dreams and ambitions, my peers opinion's, my parents or family- means anything next to loving and following Jesus. I still have a VERY long way to go, but I'm looking forward to the journey. :)

May and June

Friday, May 16th

What a lovely, beautiful day. I'm sitting in the middle of the Smith's acreage- and what delight I find in the outdoors and the wide, spacious countryside. Being here, in such silence, feeds my soul like nothing else can. No other music but that of the birds and the frogs quite belongs- except something completely pure and altogether heavenly. Part of me just wishes to cartwheel around, laugh, pick dandelions... My heart feels a if it has been opened to a whole new world ovf love, joy, beauty. I'm learning such lessons from my books and from the mentors You've placed in my life, along with life experiences and the simple tasks of everyday living. Help me to continue to seek Your sweet presence and be attune to Your grace working in my life at all times.

Sunday, May 18th

I LOVED Prince Caspian. The Narnia series and its music captures the essence of eternity like few things on this earth do. I came away from the movie with such joy in my heart, wanting to shout, "I GET IT!" and wanting to somehow preserve its lesson that this world is not my home in each moment I'm alive. Lord, this world seems such a far cry from the days of old- the battlefield remove and its heroes sunk into modern day complacency. And yet I know that today is still an adventure, and it would appear that the chief battleground is in the hearts of men.

Tuesday, May 20th

Lord, would You search my heart and lay waste to all that is impure and unholy? I so desire to be a livinge xample for You, and I mess things up dreadfully on a regular basis. Sometimes I think I don't quite catch sight of You- like I've backslided or something. Miss America is still as much a goal as ever, though I'm beginning to recognize more and more the sheer magnitude of the whole pageant industry.

Monday, June 16th

Jesus, can I be Your best friend, really and truly? I want to be close to You again- I know I've strayed the last month or so, and I long to be back in Your arms again. I have so far to go and so much to learn! Teach me to be like You. I so admire Mother Teresa- help me to be like her in the way that she wholeheartedly pursued You and the life work You called her to. Help me to break free to You- surround me with Your love and Your presence and help me radiate that to others, especially my family.

Tuesday, June 17th

Lord, wherever my young man is, please help us both to learn the lesson necessary in this season of preparation that one day we may have a thriving, beautiful and You-honoring marriage. I long to be on intimate terms with You, to have You in each moment of the day, to never forget who I am living for. I do so many things solely for my own benefit, and I know that to be Your disciple, I need to be a servant to others- would You place opportunities in my way to obey You and love Your people? I do earnestly desire a love relationship with a man, someone to love and cherish, my best friend and lifetime love. But I still have so much to learn- about You, about me, about life, what it takes to make a home and raise a family. I'm in no hurry, really! I need to be turned inside out and upside down- please continue to do Your "good work" in me and change my heart a little more each day. Show me the way to You and make my every desire to come from You. I seek Your face, Lor, though I know this path towards You will be difficult. You are more than worth it.

Lessons

Reading is one of the chief joys of my life. Other than spending time in deep, meaningful conversation with friends and family dear to my heart, or engaging in a musical pursuit of some sort, reading is an unrivaled passion. I find myself now, as a young woman, discovering who I am and how much my childhood has shaped me into who I am today. And reading holds the key to some of those discoveries- I believe that much of my drive, ambitions, hopes and dreams come from books I read as a girl. How lovely it is to find the books even dearer to my heart than before, and the lessons I learned then to be as relevant to life now as they were then! I used to wish to be a teacher and an author (thank you Anne of Green Gables and Little Women, respectively), and a part of me still does long for a stint in those professions at some point in my life.

I'm most actively enjoying a new book, The Inner Voice: The Making of a Singer, by Renee Fleming, one of the opera greats of our day. It is her journey as a singer and her helpful advice to other young aspiring singers. I've been a musician since I was five and began playing the keyboard at the Montessouri School I attended for kindergarten. I've identified myself as a pianist for fifteen years now. I began studying voice in middle school, and it did not come as naturally or as easily to me as piano did- it was something to be continually worked at and my confidence in my voice was sorely lacking. I came to the OU School of Music as a freshman determined to continue studying BOTH. And I did first semester- except that it nearly did me in. So I decided to pursue voice and let piano take the back burner. It's one of the scariest things I've had to do this year- needless to say, confidence is still lacking in the vocal area. I know I have a pretty voice and that I'm a good musician, but I long to have a beautiful, versatile voice that comes from a mastery of music. I learned from competing in Miss Oklahoma that I absolutely CANNOT compare myself to anyone else, and I intend to take that lesson into my pursuit of music, as I am often wont to do that when I spend any length of time around my fellow vocalists at school. In the words of Mrs. Fleming- "while it's a fact that a voice begins with natural talent, any talent must be nurtured, cajoled, wrestled with, pampered, challenged, and, at every turn, examined. "

So, thanks to yet another wonderful book, I'm gaining some incredible insights into life and what it takes to do anything well. I observed what it takes to become Miss Oklahoma firsthand backstage, and now I'm learning from the real life experience of a mentor who I may never meet what it takes to pursue a dream and the inspiration to pursue mine.

Pageantry

I had a wonderful week as a contestant in the Miss Oklahoma pageant. What a learning and growing experience! I was dipped in a bucket of wordly ideals but gleaned so much to be used for good. I've often heard it said that the Miss Oklahoma organization is a big family, and I now know that to be true with all my heart. I made some wonderful new friends and learned quite a lot about myself too. And, that I have GOT to learn how to style my hair myself! I still have the desire to become Miss Oklahoma engrained on my heart more than ever, much to my mother's dismay. I don't really know why the Lord puts the desires on my heart that He does, but they don't appear to be going away anytime soon.

An Old-Fashioned Girl

My first year of college is over. I've moved in with my pageant director, Judy, for the next three weeks to prepare for the Miss Oklahoma pageant. During this time, I've been able to spend time engaging in one of my favorite hobbies: reading. I don't know how many of you knew me as a younger girl, but I could almost always be spotted with my nose in a book or carrying around several books in between reading them. The last few years, high school and then college happened and the only books I had time to read were devotionals and literature for classes. Now that I have some spare time, I spend much of it happily engrossed in five to six books- even while on the treadmill.
I just finished Louisa May Alcott's Little Women (for the umpteenth time) and began on another of her works, An Old-Fashioned Girl. How such books as these brighten my spirits! Books can be such friends if only you will allow them to. Anyway, An Old-Fashioned Girl has helped recall to mind the virtues and character qualities so vital to the kingdom we are preparing to go to. Sometimes it feels as if I have a little plant growing in my heart whose petals begin to fade after too much harsh light from earthly wisdom and worldy views. It only takes a foray into the gentle heart of my Savior through kindred spirits and eternal wisdom for the petals go glow again and to resume growth as before. It is such a marvel to me that the book is still relevant today to those girls who have chosen the path towards eternity in this journey of life. Polly, the main character, goes above and beyond the call of duty in selflessly giving of herself to her friends and family. She is modest yet beautiful, spirited yet tranquil. She is content in all her circumstances, and possesses an inner hope that is lovely to behold and read about. Guidebooks (though fictional) like these are such sweet reminders of what Jesus is looking for in us, His children.